where disappointment and regret collide

i feel really bad for my boyfriend, he worked his ass of to get on the adelphi baseball team and then they cut him. i always joked like well without baseball we can see each other more. i feel horrible. maybe i jinxed it. at least now i know his birthday plans wont get ruined? horrible...

my disappointment. i cant write a fucking one page paper.
i really don't know what is wrong with me. i'm feeling a trip to some library so i can finish it, and stop checking blogger and facebook. lately these two things are my number one procrastination tools. text messaging too!

attempt at pics

this might get a few gasps...a haunting memory

her hair was as yellow as the sun and her personality was sweet and quirky. she was my best friend since kindergarten. riding our bikes everyday to the park eating cookies and baking cakes, we were inseparable especially since we lived right down the block from each other. it all happened on a vacation to Florida. she had been acting strange even before we left, starting to obsess over not wearing shorts and rebelling against her parents. it doesn't sound that strange but it was. she was my best friend who never cared about any of those things. on vacation she started not speaking to me and acting like i was a threat to her, she would even compare me to her mom. the last day of vacation she hit me and didn't speak to me all the way back to valley stream.

we soon started speaking again she apologized for what had happened and we planned a big sleepover for that weekend. i couldn't wait i thought she had just had enough of the vacation. her parents went out that night to local families house and her older sister was upstairs babysitting us. another one of our closest friends also joined in on the sleepover. we were all hanging out and gossiping when my best friend told my other friend and i that she was slitting her thighs and wrists. well that explains the jean obsession. i couldn't believe it we acted like we didn't hear anything. she had no explanation for doing such a thing her parents loved her and she had friends that did too. a week later i was just hanging out with her again her parents again were off to an event. she told me she had a headache and was just going to take an Advil. not strange. the next thing i knew i walked into the dining room and he was swallowing as many pills as she could. i was terrified. i called my mom who then called her mom.

the next day my best friend was admitted to a mental ward at a hospital in queens. it haunts me to this day that someone you love so much would try to do such a thing to themselves. after tears and blaming myself for what had happened, i knew our relationship would be over forever. when she came home i saw her once but she had changed. she wasn't the best friend i knew, our parents told us that maybe it was better we never spoke again. and that is how its been. i thought of her the other day not believing were in college now. i messaged her saying good luck i cant believe were already in college. i got no response i knew i wouldn't but somehow i thought that would make it better and the tears and pain would go away...

nyc baybayyy

my toes are burning

my hair in disarray

but i'm so glad i didn't stay home today

subway to subway

art right in front of our eyes

man i cant wait til our train arrives.

the library is quiet

people sit looking for inspiration

with their young minds.

this was my poem from when we sat in the library, you can tell i was exhausted. i have to put up pictures i think its time to open that flicker account and start letting my ideas flow onto these blogs. that's all i got for now...

gloomsville

i really hate days like today, its dark cold and gloomy. i also have like good news economic wise but social life wise it sucks. i am now working on my only day off Tuesday. I'm glad to be making money but now my only day off is Sunday. kinda bummed. Tuesday's were always my day to hang out with the boyfriend or my sister. food was always involved either way. but oh well. i really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow even though i know we will make the best of the rain. i already have my rain boots, windbreaker, and umbrella ready to go! one happy thing today, i get pizza for dinner, ha ha even though we had it yesterday i just love it!

Since We Won First, Jess SQUARED PROPS!!

Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts!

I love you like Tom loves Jerry
On my sundae you are not my cherry
I love you like a 40 year old man with a beer belly!

Your prescence is like stubble on my legs
You're even worse than a tapped keg
You're like bubbalicious on my shoe
Which is almost as bad as dog poo!

Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492,
You're so obnoxious I should sue!

Inspiration

Since I can remember every weekend of my life was spent in a little town called Danby. Danby is in Southern Vermont, hidden away from the ski slopes and from all the busy cities. It is a little town with one cafe, one general store, and one little church. It was my escape and my inspiration for everything. Before I was born my Grandparent's on my Mom's side had bought this quaint house with a big deck and huge woods around it. They spent their every waking moment there and it was to become my Grandparent's retirement house one day. All of my friends new that if I was no where to be found on the weekends, I was in Vermont.
What inspired me so much about this little town was how peaceful it was. The house was on a mountain. Mt. Timber to be exact and the view took your breath away, especially in the fall. One of my favorite times to be there. There was no cell phone service which was amazing. I got to leave all the drama behind and just have myself and my thoughts. I always was sketching, taking pictures or writing stories there. I had no one to bother me except the chirping of crickets at night. I had the mountains as my inspiration, the stars that were way brighter than in New York, and wildlife all around me. When I was around ten I think, my sisters, cousins and I were inspired to build a fort. And a fort was what we built, it was amazing until the day the town dog Jed came and ripped it apart.

Although we no longer have the house, I will never forget the feelings associated with it. I was a free person, a peaceful person and could think out anything. That little town has a great place in my heart and always will. When I feel down I just think of all the amazing memories, and what was there that inspired me. There was never a weekend that i felt uninspired for sure. It was an exciting adventure each and every time.

these are a few of my fanvorite things

1. My Cell Phone: I really do hate my cell phone, I just think its pretty. Just kidding this is my way of gossiping, chatting, yelling and staying in touch with everyone. I get to text my sister in PA and all of my family for free and I think that's why I love it so much. Also its pretty new and they use it on Gossip Girl so I have become a little obsessed. We all know we would be lost without our cell phones, fess up everyone.

2. My Uggz: When Uggz started becoming a cool thing I really really despised them. I thought that they were heinous and stupid. Yes, my word for everything stupid. When my sister got a pair I fell in love. I hate wearing sneakers so for the winter when its too unbearable to wear flip flops I slip into my Uggz. They are the softest comfiest things around! Also brown is becoming one of my all time favorite colors.

3. My Secretary Glasses: I don't think that too many people love their glasses but I do. I was always annoying my parents as a little kid saying "I cant read this MOMMMM." They thought I wanted attention but when it got to the point that looking at a black board was impossible I went to the eye doctor. These glasses have lasted me about 3 years, there the greatest thing ever and I cherish them. Plus they have a super cool design on the side. AND as an added bonus I can now see things!! =]

4. My Grandma's Old Fashion Telephone: I have no idea where my Grandma Marie could have found such a cute thing. My family is a little obsessed with having every little invaluable item in the world. I always use to play with this when I was little. When my Grandma had gotten sick I told my Mom I am taking that little red telephone. I know it is morbid but its how I remember my fun loving crazy Grandma. I think it is the cutest thing in the world so therefore it is one of my favorite things.

5. The Tiffany Ring: My boyfriend gave me this ring for last Christmas. I wanted it and was tempted to buy it myself. But of course he convinced me not to and bought it for me. I wear this ring everyday and i know its stupid because its not like were married but I think of him when I see it. Also the ladies at Tiffany told me I have to have the heart facing me because I'm taken. My boyfriend also had bought me the matching necklace which isn't in the picture because it looks exactly the same. He's a good boyfriend!

6. The Diamond Ring: Save the best for last. The diamond ring has a great story. My Grandma Annette, my Dad's Mom, gave me this for my high school graduation. Along with the ring I gained a piece of family history. This ring was given to her when she graduated. The center diamond was her Father's, my great Grandfather's union pin. He was a brick layer so they were given pins back then. The two diamond chips as they are called are my great great Grandfathers. He was given these too from some union. I am not too sure. Since I was the last of the four Granddaughter's to graduate from high school I received the ring. I wish I wore this more, I cant because it needs to be sized and I am scared to lose it. But i cherish it and it has a great story.

I have a lot more favorite things like my car, my boyfriend, my puppy, my parents, my flip flops, my rain boots, and food! but i cannot put all of these things so i picked the easiest ones since they are all close to me at all times...

argh

i sound like such an angry person on my blogs lately like a depressed emo bitch
and right now i have a lot of anger towards one specific person. i will not mention
her name but im mad and she royally screwed me over. with my career at least.
im so glad i waited 4 years to take chem. ahhhhh. this is like a stream of conciousness
but im very angry so i am going to just type and yell and yell at my boyfriend bc he
made the mistake of asking me how my day was.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
im done.

stolen from russo/ inside actors studio i think...

What is your favorite word?
i think it has to be precious, although i spell it wrong CONSTANTLY

What is your least favorite word?
boring-just because it is a useless boring word..there are curse words i cannot stand but i wont even say them!

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
my family and life experiences. if i see something or hear good, bad or any news i get inspired.

What turns you off?
politics

What is your favorite curse word?
definitely F*@% but i say shit all the time.

What sound or noise do you love?
either the pots and pans on a sunday morning, or the vacuum. just because those are two things that happen every sunday morning and i know everything will be okay if the day starts off with cooking and cleaning by my mom. its a comfort thing.

What sound or noise do you hate?
when my dog wont stop barking for like a half and hour

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
well since i am not a professional just a nursing major, i would attempt to be a news journalist like diane sawyers. i like attention and can talk for hours.

What profession would you not like to do?
a telemarketer. they are friggen annoying. enough said. lets all love each other.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
you look like you need a drink

sit && hope && pray

the worried look across her face,
the pain she feels inside.
a feeling not quite normal for someone of her age.

twenty five && living life
her wedding less than a year away
her fiance cries && lies awake at night, hoping she will be okay.

test after test
opinion after opinion
we all sit && wait for what the doctors have to s a y.

but for now shes living life
planning her wedding day.
all her parents can do now is sit && hope && pray


im sure there are only two people who know what this is all about.
i spent the day with who this pertains to and now i am home and
continue to sit && hope && pray <3

unsure

i cant see into the future
i cant tell if my dreams will come true
i feel so far b e h i n d everyone else.

will it be the right job for me?
do i have the perseverance?

these are my self doubts
i know i can do it,
i just don't know how

i'm just an 18 year old girl from valley stream trying to figure it all out...

random

so as i sit here and procrastinate i started thinking of how happy i am this year. i was talking to my boyfriend and had said to him how i really did not love high school. everyone had said it's the best years of your life but for me it really felt like four years of hell. yeah i met some nice people, had some amazing teachers but college, thats more like it. college is so much better. i am so glad i decided to go to molloy. i really really wanted to go away but am so much happier i stayed home. im glad i didnt settle. if i did i would be in some pennsylvania hicktown. rockville centre is much more my speed. another reason im so happy i guess is because i didnt need to leave my family. as ive written before my family is everything. today i even got to be with my baby cousin ella. im glad im not missing out on her terrible two's. it is an amazing feeling. so glad this September started off right... =]

one of my beach haiku's[sp?]

the wind in his hair

the gleam on his face calm, cool

S e p t e m b e r is here.

jones beach

today was pretty amazing. not many college kids get to say they had class on the beach!!

here are my top pictures out of 55
coool dude! <3>

-close connections-

there are several people who i have close connections with and for this blog it was hard to chose just one. ultimately i decided to go with my Grandma Marie. although my Grandma died when i was in sixth grade she left me with so many great memories.
my Grandma was always someone who stood up for me when my parents were ready to kill me. she encouraged me to do what i wanted to do, and egged me on at times. we had a house in Vermont when i was little and i would always go with my Grandparents, the times we had their were unforgettable. my Grandma always use to tell us "girls life's an adventure". whenever we were with her it was a new adventure every time. she taught me to be a good person to everyone and to be thankful for what i have around me. she, too helped me to decide what i wanted to become after college. although i never got to tell her that i decided to become a nurse she knows. she taught me to have patience and be a caring person. these attribute to becoming a great nurse. so that's how i decided what i would do with my life.
i will never forget the amazing times i had with my Grandma. i miss her terribly, but i can look back and laugh at all the amazing memories i have. i was very fortunate to have someone so close to me to laugh through the tears, and enjoy life. she taught me all of life's great lessons and more. i am forever grateful for the time i got to spend with her.

depressing these days

i hate depressing news, thats all i have to say.
sometimes life just isnt fair and throws obstacles at you.
but for some reason i feel like it always seems to be my family.
i know that sounds horrible but lately thats how i feel.

[the end]

always in my heart <3

i miss you when its quiet
i think of you when i need support
when it rains i look to you to show me the sunshine beneath the clouds.
you are my role model && inspiration
my hope that dreams do come true.
one of my favorite people,
&& you always will be...

pictures from class on friday

Window Shot

Mug Shot

DUMBO

Mirror Picture

Hiding?

Reach For The Stars

ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posie...

...ashes to ashes we all fall down

they bump their tiny heads

he comforts her with a kiss

my two little lovebugs

who can barely say their names

they just sit and play their made up g a m e s.

they're my sunshine when its raining,

their smiles make you believe everything will be alright

&& everything is alright...

my baby cousins Jake Tyler and Ella Marie were my inspiration for this one. figured i would try a poem, hey at least i tried!!

GOOD MORNING WORLD

me and my little man my collage in the background haha

7:30 in the morning, YIKES! these are the loves of my life =]

a lot to say for a thursday

so today is september 11th, its a day that greatly effected my family and i and i just wanted to it to be said in my blog. my heart goes out to all who were affected and i greatly appreciate all our FDNY && NYPD women and men.
other than that i worked again today not as bad as monday thank god or thank someone. this week has been pretty hectic and stressful. my cousin has been in and out of the hospital, both my sisters broke up with their boyfriends, and i was almost killed by someone yesterday. now that ur interested in my boring life, this is my almost being killed story. i was driving to the doctor after class and i was in the right lane just cruisin, and a lady decides i wasnt in the lane and plows into me. so i swerved hit the curb nothing happend. again thank god. but then the lady proceded to curse me out like F@*% YOU && all those other vulgur words. i was so annoyed that i started crying bc when i get mad i cry, it doesnt make sense but thats like a family thing idk. also i havent seen my boyfriend in a hot second and i mean "abscence makes the heart grow fonder" but i kinda miss him. as for my sisters lives im stuck with hearing them say "well at least you HAVE a boyfriend. haahha. also my cousin is pretty much fine so i should be celebrating today but im not. now im done sharing my life stories with everyone and i have to go get some real hard homework done...
peace && <3

ripped cuticles && ABC's

what a day today was! i had class as usual from 8-9, we learned about Hippocraties and other "influential" people. but today wasn't like any usual monday. i started work at Molloy College's own registrar office. so i have work study which i thought would be a great thing for me i mean i could just work instead of having to go home. so i quietly creeped into the office which was painfully quiet for 9 in the morning and met all my "co-workers" all very sweet and willing to help me out. my favorite person is the little old lady, my boss who i dont know if her name is mary or nancy. i should probably research that one. after meeting everyone i got my own little desk and was given a huge stack of papers. "alphabetize these and then file them" were my directions. PSHHH piece of cake...5 hours later, not finished filing, ripped cuticles and paper cuts. but the best part is, i get to go back on thursday and start right where i left off. pretty soon the alphabet is going to go someting like this qwertyuiopaslkjhgfdzxcvbnm or i am going to lose eyesight! what a day...

who I am

I am Samantha Jeanne Benson! I was welcomed into this world on May 2, 1990.I assume that it was a great day, I do not happen to remember it. I have an amazing family, and twin sisters who I adore. They are a year older than I, and have always been my role models. When we were younger we were inseparable. We quickly learned the power of friendship, and what love really means. Most of who I am and why I am the way I am is because of my family. Not only do i have great sisters but numerous cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents who have taught me to be the free spirit that I am. They were the ones who never discouraged me as a child when I was the one who wanted to draw and imagine instead of playing kickball.

When high school came around I started to learn who I really was or so I thought. I took classes that interested me especially AP Art, with the craziest person you would ever meet as a teacher. I learned how creative I could be, and I learned to take advantage of new experiences, and be brave. What did I have to lose? The most important trait I gained from high school was to be who you want to be. I used to be a shy and very "home-y" kid. I slowly evolved into a loud, at times obnoxiously loud, outgoing, funny person. I am not Dane Cook, but every once in a while I hear that I am a funny person.

With my new found personality and outlook on life I start my freshman year, at Molloy College. I have many dreams for myself and I know every single one will come true. It may take me a while but I will do it. What I did not mention was although I was the quiet child, I never gave up and always strived to get what I wanted. That characteristic I learned from my parents who would do anything for my sisters and I. I also come from a caring and loving family. This helped me to decide what I would do for the rest of my life, become a nurse. Although I am not the best in math or the best in science. I will do all that I can to be the best nurse i can be and even better. I also have this dream that one day I will live in the city with my puppy, and white range rover. But before the Range Rover, puppy or loft across from Central Park, I want to make a difference in people's lives. I will treat all my patients with the most respect and do everything I can and more to make them feel better. I hope one day that I will have more patience with myself and stop being so critical. To end this rant of my life I am going to leave one of my favorite quotes. "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." That was said by Walt Disney. I firmly believe that any dream can come true. Just look how big Mickey Mouse turned out...

the calm before the storm

the clouds fly by us

the w i n d quickly moves them away.

the trees sway in the shadow of the sun.

the wind whistles in your ear

but all around you is silence.

it's the calm before the storm.

Blogging?

my name is Sam
i don't eat ham.
i really don't like traffic jams
Or grape jam.
i have a puppy
he's pretty lucky
his name is leo.
he has a friend named cleo,
shes a cat
her owner likes funny hats
i have 2 sisters
jessie and ally
they love the movie how harry met sally.
i think its pretty silly,
almost like my cousin billy.

ongoing assessments 9/1/08

=]